We are at this stage of the adoption where nothing moves. We will hear nothing until that magical moment when someone down in Haiti decides it's our turn and matches us with a child. And it will come completely out of the blue. And given the normal wait time for this step it could be any day between May and December. You know, any one of those days. But also, we shouldn't hold our breath. Some people, for unknown reasons, are stuck at this stage even longer than that. So maybe one of the days between May and December, but maybe not.
Some people ask how I'm doing with this waiting period and I usually reply that "I'm fine". And you know what, I actually am kind of fine. But it may not be for all these great and spiritual reasons and titanic sized amounts of faith. The truth is, the only reason this phase isn't driving me completely crazy is because I'm kind of ignoring it. {I can't believe I'm even confessing that to all of you.}
It's true. I'm fine because I'm kind of ignoring the whole adoption process at the moment. And you see, I have the advantage that others in this process may not. We currently have 3 children. And my husband and I are both self employeed and work out of our home. There is so much filling my life that my current coping mechanism is ignoring it.
I am praying for our child. But I make myself check the whole adoption process at the door after I finish praying. There is not one single thing I can do to speed up this step. There is not one person or office that I can contact, at least not that will do me any good. We have to simply wait. Until an unknown date, sometime during that 6 month window, maybe.
I've had a horrible sense of guilt over coping with this phase in this way. Part of me feels as though I am abandoning my child. But the truth is we have no idea who he or she is at this moment, so I don't know that it's fair for me to say that I am abandoning them. I cannot send mail to them. Or packages to the orphanage. I pack away old clothes for our kids and I don't know if I should be saving them because I don't know the age and gender of our future child. I cannot even pray for our child by name. Do you know what that is like to pray for protection for your child, not even knowing if they are born yet? Or if they have massive medical needs? Or are malnourished? See how my mind starts to swirl and roll with all of the unknowns?
So I ask God to care for our son or daughter. To keep them safe during the civil unrest that is currently going on in Haiti. For food in their belly and a warm place to sleep. And then I force myself to keep busy thinking about other things. Not because I don't care. Simply because I don't know what else to do at this moment.
Does this make me a horrible adoptive mother? I guess that is a matter of opinion, and everyone is going to have their own opinions. But lately I have been trying to allow myself to feel more. Simply feel more love, pain, hurt and frustration. Because this is a part of the whole process and I know that waiting time is never wasted time. And while I'm busy trying to figure out just what it is I'm supposed to be doing and learning during this period I will cling to the words in Hosea:
So, by the help of your God, return,
hold fast to love and justice,
and wait continually for your God.
Hosea 12:6 (ESV)
May you know God's presence in whatever season you are in today,
milleralt says
I can completely relate and I think you said it well! “Ignoring” is my best way to cope as well. The waiting is hard but I always go back to remembering that God’s got this and I can’t change it by my worrying. However, I like your point about feeling it more too. Sometimes I gloss over the uncomfortable feeling instead of learning from them.
Becky says
Yes, it can be so hard to know how to deal with the whole process! Prayers for you and your family! xo
Tracy Elliott says
Yes, that is exactly how I felt as well. There’s something reassuring knowing that God is in control, that He has the perfect child in mind for your family and He will make it happen at the right time. if I went to an orphanage to pick out a child, I wouldn’t have a clue as to which child to pick. And most likely, I wouldn’t pick the one that is best suited for me. That’s the beauty of adopting/fostering: you don’t have to choose, God is doing it for us.
Becky says
I know it would be so based on emotions or a gut instinct for me. I agree, I am so thankful that God is picking for us! 🙂
Jaime T says
Thanks for sharing! I thought I would be better at blogging through this process, but I guess I fall into the ignoring category too. We are also adopting from Haiti and have been working on this processing for about 3.5 years now. Over 2 of those years have been waiting “any day now” for our referral. Unfortunately the part I tend to ignore are the vague time frames and every now and then I get my hopes up that we really will get news soon. Maybe by the end of the year…and then nothing. It is such an emotional roller coaster. Praying for your family. Thank you again for sharing.
Becky says
The roller coaster is so hard. I understand. I feel like I either have great expectations or I just find myself ignoring the whole thing. It’s just not easy. Praying for you. xo